When I lost my daughter I was in a daze for the first few weeks or so. I went through all the motions doing the tasks that needed done but the reality of my daughter being gone from my presence for the rest of my life just hadn’t set in. It felt more like a dream then reality. I made the funeral plans, greeted friends and family, cried at the service, watched in shock as her coffin was lowered into the ground. Through it all I felt sad but numb.
The real pain began to set in after the first couple of months. Words can’t even begin to describe the searing, gut-wrenching pain that paralyzes a person. My mind wouldn’t work. I found having a simple conversation almost impossible. Every place I went, everything I saw reminded me of my daughter. There was no escape from the sadness that filled my heart.
Over the years I have met other grieving parents through internet communities. I discovered that my feelings are pretty much the same as other parents going through this journey of grief. We all ache inside and feel an empty longing that nothing can appease.
I also discovered that no matter how a child is lost or the age of the child the grief is the same. The hurt is deep, unyielding and long lasting. The journey through the grief is long, dark and treacherous. There are many twists and turns on this journey. The road is filled with potholes, dangerous curves and sheer cliffs that drop off into oblivion. The journey is nearly impossible to take alone though nearly all grieving parents feel they have no option but to go it alone.
I found support for one source only…the internet. There is not a day that goes by that I do not thank God for my computer and the internet. It was on my computer that I found other grieving parents who knew and understood my pain. A lifeline of friendship and understanding was thrown my way.
It was through my internet friends’ kindness and understanding that I found my way out of the darkness and into the light. I discovered that everyone’s journey is different but the pain is the same.
It has been nearly six years since I lost my daughter. I still miss her! I still cry! I think of her all the time. What has changed is I can remember her with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. Yes the sorrow is still here inside me but it is not all consuming anymore.